The Scared Witch Project
by ExBlade
Summary: Mario, Link and Zelda enters the Lost Woods to shoot a documentary about the Scared Witch. The only problem is that the witch is a coward and keeps running away from them.
1. Finding Forest

THE SCARED WITCH PROJECT  
  
CHAPTER 1 - Finding Forest  
  
The camera turns on and we see Zelda adjusting the camera to get her in view. She is at a table in a library and  
picks a book out of the bookshelf and opens it.   
  
"Hi", she begins. "In our quest to find the Scared Witch who is said to be lurking in the Lost Woods, me and two  
of my pals--"  
  
Mario and Link comes in from the right and pushes Zelda to the side and smiles to the camera.  
  
"That would be us!" Link says.  
  
"Yeah, and this documentary will be terrific", Mario adds.   
  
"I know", says Zelda, "but if you'd just get out of view now and let me continue..."  
  
"Alright. Save the best for last, eh?" Link says and smiles.  
  
"Yeah, in your dreams" Zelda says and continues. "Anyway, this book - 'Witches Now and Before' - will   
hopefully help us on our way. So I'll just look in the index... 'S' 'Streisand, Barbra'... no, not the witch we're  
looking for... 'Scared Witch, The'. Ahh, there we got it! Page 612."  
  
So she browses to page 612, where the three of them reads the following:  
  
"SCARED WITCH, THE  
  
In the 18th Century, a woman lived in a small village called Hair. She used to bring children to her house to  
read fairy tales for them. They were all very nice fairy tales about romance and friendship because she got too   
scared when there were fighting and violence involved. The parents of the children thought she was very nice   
to their kids and loved to let them go pay the old woman visits until that day when it all changed.   
When the parents expected their kids to be back, they hadn't returned yet. 'So it is a longer fairy tale than   
usual', they thought. 'Probably nothing to worry about'. So they waited another hour, but their kids still hadn't   
returned.   
Now they got worried and went over to the old woman's house, to find their children lying dead on the floor.  
'What have you done to them?', they all yelled. 'You... you witch! You shall be burned! Burn the witch! Burn the  
witch!' The old woman responded:   
'No, it's been a mistake! I didn't kill them! I was just reading them one of my stories and suddenly they all fell  
to the ground, dead! I swear to God!'   
But the parents didn't care. 'That's very convenient, isn't it?', said one of the fathers.   
'How dare you make use of the name of the Lord, you beast from hell?', said one of the mothers.  
'I don't know what happened to them, I swear!'  
'How are we expected to trust you? You shall be burned, evil woman!'  
'NOOOOOOO!', the woman shouted and ran to the woods in fear of being burned.   
That is why she is most known as 'The Scared Witch'. But her real name was in fact Koume. The villagers didn't  
follow her, because they knew she'd get lost in the woods anyway. They *WERE* the Lost Woods after all..."  
  
"Well, now we know THAT", says Zelda.  
  
"I'm scared", says Mario. "What if we go into the woods and that witch starts hunting us?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm scared too!" says Link.   
  
"Shut up! We're going into that forest whether you want it or not, you hear me? We're gonna find that witch  
and catch it on camera! Imagine all the rupees they'd pay us!"  
  
"Alright... but only for the rupees", says Link.  
  
"I don't know", says Mario. "They don't use rupees in my world."  
  
"Then what do you use", asks Zelda.  
  
"Uh... coins."  
  
"Coins? Just coins? Don't you have any name for them?"  
  
"No, they're just... coins."  
  
"Sure. You'll get your...coins...too."   
  
Link and Zelda try not to laugh, but Mario is too smart to be fooled.  
  
"At least we don't let any Triforce fall in the wrong hands..."  
  
Then they all shut up.   
  



	2. I Can't See The Forest, There's Too Many...

CHAPTER 2 - I Can't See The Forest, There's Too Many Trees  
  
They are now in the Kokiri Forest, which was previously named 'Hair' but it was changed because of the   
accident. A young girl runs up to them.  
  
"Who's that", asks Mario. "I haven't seen her before."  
  
"That's because you're from...", Link says but stops. "Hey, where ARE you from, Mario?"  
  
"Um..."  
  
"Let me guess - you don't call your country anything. Right?"  
  
"Right."  
  
"Ha! And you call yourselves a country! No offense, Mario."  
  
"Well, at least we can carry more than 500 rupees at the same time..."   
  
"Stop fighting!" says the girl. "Mario, my name is Saria. Pleased to meet you. Tell me, what are you doing here  
in the forest? Come to visit old friends?"  
  
"Not really", Link says. "We're looking for the Scared Witch. Seen her around?"  
  
"The Scared Witch? Ha! That's just what they tell little kids to avoid them from getting lost in the woods! There  
are no witch in the Lost Woods! You may search as much as you want, you're not gonna find anything! I tell ya!  
You'll only get lost and never get back!"  
  
"Hey, why so pessimistic?" Zelda says.   
  
"I'm not pessimistic. I'm realistic."  
  
"Alright. No matter what you think, we're going in. Before we start, do you know anyone that claims to have  
seen the Scared Witch?"  
  
"Yeah, Mido claims that he saw her last summer. He never left his house since that day. You should ask him for  
help. Well, don't expect to find anything anyway..."  
  
"Thanks for the advice, Saria. We'll ask Mido."  
  
"Who's Mido", asks Mario.  
  
"You wouldn't know, you're... you're not from these parts."  
  
Link and Zelda giggles.  
  
"Well, at least our princess doesn't need a caretaker..."  
  
Then they shut up.  
  
"Come on. Let's get to Mido instead", Mario says and knocks on Mido's front door. 'It's open!', they hear.  
  
"Mido! Long time no see", says Link.  
  
"Well, if it isn't Link... You've been gone for a long time. It was fun while it lasted. What brings you here?"  
  
"We're here about..." *DRAMATIC MUSIC* "...The Scared Witch."  
  
"I saw her! Don't listen to what everyone else is saying! I am not insane! I saw her, for real! Don't you believe  
me?"  
  
"We believe you", says Link. "We do."  
  
"You DO? You believe me?"  
  
"Yeah, sure", says Mario. "Now, what do you know about her? Where did you see her?"  
  
"I saw her in the woods..."  
  
"Yes, but WHERE in the woods? Was it a long way from the entrance?"  
  
"How would I know? It wasn't very long from the entrance, but still a pretty long way to go..."  
  
"Was it more to the left... or more to the right?"  
  
"It was straight ahead, I think..."  
  
"Thank you. That's all we need to know."  
  
The three of them leave Mido's house and enters the Lost Woods. 


	3. Dude, Where's My Witch?

CHAPTER 3 - Dude, where's my witch?  
  
"Turn the camera on, so we can begin shooting our documentary", Zelda says and Mario grabs the cam  
recorder out of his backpack.  
  
"Now that the camera is on, we need to do a little improvised talk, like in those Tarantino movies", says Link.  
  
"Okay. I'll start", says Zelda. "Do you know what they call a Quarter Pounder in France?"  
  
"No, I never been to France. What do they call it?"  
  
"A Grand Royale with Cheese! Your turn, Link."  
  
"Do you know what they call their money in Mario's world?"  
  
"SHUT UP, LINK!" Mario yells and leaps at Link.  
  
"Stop! Stop! Stop fighting! We're in this together, remember? Let's not fight!"  
  
"You're right", Mario says. "Now it's my turn. Do you know what they call a brain in Hyrule?"  
  
"No, what do we call it", asks Zelda while Link tries not to pull out his Master Sword and cut Mario's head off.  
  
"A rarity!" Mario says.  
  
"Alright, I'm gonna git you sucka!" says Link and pulls his Master Sword out and is just about to end Mario's life  
when they hear someone scream in fear. It sounds like a very, very old woman.   
  
"It must be the Scared Witch! You scared her!" says Zelda. "Now we lost what might have been our only   
chance to catch her on tape thanks to you."  
  
"Hey, don't blame me, he's the one with the lame joke", Link says.  
  
"And he's the one who got upset about it", Mario replies.  
  
"Hey, don't you start again", Zelda says. "It's getting dark and we need to go to sleep. We're in enough trouble  
already. Let's set up our tents here."  
  
"Alright, you win", says Mario.  
  
They set up their tents and goes to bed. At night, they hear some weird noises.  
  
"I have to go out and explore", Link says.  
  
"Why? You might get killed", says Zelda.  
  
"Yeah, but this IS a movie. If you hear a strange noise, you HAVE to check where it came from."  
  
"Alright. But what will I do if you die? What will I do without you? What can I do?"  
  
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."  
  
Link opens the tent and looks out through the opening.  
  
"What do you see", asks Mario.  
  
"I see dead people", replies Link.  
  
"Yeah, right. In your dreams."  
  
"No. All the time."  
  
"That didn't fit."  
  
"Uh... could we just move on to the next line? Please? This is getting embarrassing. Please? Thank you. No?  
Oh. Sorry. I won't bother you anymore. Hello?"  
  
"Shut up and get out to see what's going on!"  
  
Link goes out from the tent to see a witch picking up an object from the ground. The witch turns around to look  
at Link. Link thinks that this will be it, that he will die right at the spot. But as soon as the witch sees Link, her   
eyes turn wide open and she runs away quicker than the wind. Link looks at the ground to see what object she  
took.  
  
"Oh no! She took my Lens of Truth! How will I now be able to cheat while we're playing poker?"   
  
"What was that, Link", Mario asks.  
  
"Uh... nothing."  
  
We leave the three partners for now and turn over to the Scared Witch. When she saw the strange looking  
youngster coming out from the tent, she would've screamed if she'd have any tongue. She escaped through the  
woods and got to a place where she hadn't been before. As if it wasn't enough, she also caught a terrible cold.  
  
"I'm so scared right now...", she begins. "Those three kids scare the living - if you can call anything in me alive -   
crap out of me and I'm all alone in the woods in a place I never been to before! Help me someone! Isn't witch  
hunts illegal?"  



	4. All Your Forest Are Belong To Us

CHAPTER 4 - All Your Forest Are Belong To Us  
  
"Damnit! She took my Lens of Truth!" Link says as he enters his sleeping bag once again.  
  
"Do you really need it that much", Zelda asks.  
  
"More than you think", Link responds.   
  
"Oh, relax! She doesn't even know what it's good for! She's been in the woods for about 300 years now, she   
doesn't know anything about the latest technology!"  
  
"That's what scares me", says Link. "What if she'd break it, trying to use it as a spoon?"  
  
"Where would she get her food? She's already dead, so she haven't eaten anything in ages", says Zelda.  
  
"I think I know how she feels", says Mario. "I'm starving."  
  
"Yeah, you haven't eaten pizza now for how long? Let me see... 8 hours. Damn. That must be hard."  
  
"Shut up."  
  
"No, you shut up, fatso!"  
  
"Weirdo!"  
  
"Hey, stop it! Mario is right, if we don't get anything to eat, we ARE going to starve. But still, Mario, if your belly  
is starting to make sounds even NOW, you're probably not going to last long."  
  
Right in the middle of the fight, they feel a cold breeze and hear the sad voice of an older woman.   
  
"Hey... it's the Scared Witch again!" says Mario.  
  
"I think she's saying something. Listen..."  
  
"Once upon a time, there was a big castle. In the castle lived the King, the Queen and their three daughters.   
One day, the housemaid told them that a prince from another country came to pay them a visit. The King and the  
Queen thought it would be an excellent opportunity to get one of their daughters married. The daughters were  
very happy, too, and they could barely wait for the fair prince to arrive.  
One day, they heard a knock on the door and the housemaid opened. It was a very handsome man who looked   
very happy.  
'Hello, dear housemaid. I am the Prince of Kaskhania. May I speak to the King of the house, please?'  
'He's been expecting you', the housemaid replied. 'Come this way'.  
The housemaid led the prince to the Royal Chamber where the King and the Queen waited.   
'Greetings, your honor', the prince started.  
'Welcome to our castle, dear Prince of Kaskhania', replied the King.  
'It is an honor to be here in your great castle. As your honor may have guessed, I am single and looking for a  
beautiful woman to marry.'  
'Then you came to the right place', said the Queen. 'Our daughters are the most beautiful women in the world.  
Anne! Belle! Claire! Come here!'  
'Yes, mom', they replied.  
'This is the Prince of Kaskhania. He wishes to marry..."  
  
The voice disappears, but none of our three friends notice that. They are asleep. The first one to wake up is   
Mario, his belly is too empty for him to get any sleep.   
  
"Hey, wake up! We can't sleep now!"  
  
None of them wakes up.  
  
"HEY!! Mamma Mia, what has happened to you?"  
  
They still don't wake up.  
  
"Well, since I'm out of options..." Mario says to himself and picks up the Ocarina of Time from Link's backpack.  
"I don't know how to play it, but it doesn't matter..."  
  
Mario puts the Ocarina of Time to his lips and blows it. A terrifying noise comes out and it awakens Link and   
Zelda.   
  
"Man, I felt like I was never going to wake up!"  
  
"Hey..." Zelda starts. "I think I know how the kids died!"  
  
"What? How?"  
  
"Isn't it obvious? They were bored to death by one of her stories!"  
  
"Ooh... and we were about to fall victim for her vicious curses too!"  
  
"Yes, indeed", Zelda says. "So we better get to her and catch her. Anybody with me?"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Alright, then let's go", Zelda says and they walk away to search for the Scared Witch.   
  
Soon enough they see an old woman sitting on a broom. She is playing with something.  
  
"Hey, Koume..."  
  
The witch looks up and seems to be a bit surprised. She gets ready to fly away.  
  
"No! Don't fly away!" Zelda says.  
  
"No, because then I might never see my Lens of Truth again!"  
  
"Shut up, Link! Anyway, we don't want to hurt you. So please stay. How do you feel?"  
  
"I..."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I'm scared..."  
  
"What exactly are you scared of?"  
  
"The people..."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"They wanted to..."  
  
"Oh for God's sake, hurry up! We don't have all day!" Mario shouts.  
  
"Eeeeeek!" Koume yells. "You said the G word!"  
  
"What G word? Oh, you mean... God?"  
  
"Eeeeeek!"  
  
"GOD?"  
  
"Eeeeeek!"  
  
"G--"  
  
"Shut up, Mario! It isn't funny! Now, Koume, what is it you're afraid of?"  
  
"I'm afraid of... many things. You know, they just kept screaming at me... All this people... I was afraid, Zelda.  
The people were mad and they scared me. I felt so lonely and so stupid at the time. The... the kids were dead!  
They just fell down and died! I couldn't save them, no matter how hard I tried! I just sat there for an hour...   
crying... I never felt so low as I did back then! They wanted me to burn... That's what they did."  
  
"My God... that is so sad. Why do you think they died?"  
  
"I don't know, I didn't do anything."  
  
"Well, we have a theory", Link says. "Maybe it's because your fairy tales are too boring!"  
  
"Link! That wasn't very nice", Zelda shouts.  
  
"It's the truth."  
  
"She can't handle the truth!"  
  
"Oh I'm sooorry... I really am."  
  
"No, but you're right", Koume says. "Perhaps my stories ARE a bit on the boring side, but I'm afraid they're the   
only ones I know. Violence has always scared me. Even when someone falls on their back, I find that too  
violent for me. So that's why I only tell stories about romance and friendship. I didn't mean to bore them to  
death, I just... I just wanted to do the one thing I'm good at."  
  
"You know, we should bring you back to the Kokiri Forest so that you can live a normal life again. What do you  
say", Zelda asks.  
  
"Um... are you sure they won't burn me?"  
  
"No! This is the 21:st Century, you are free to be a witch if you want to! So come with us, I'm sure no one will  
mind..."  
  
"Okay. I'll come."  
  
"Thank you! You don't know how much this means to me! I would like to thank my mom and dad for always  
supporting me... And of course, this one goes out to all of my fans: You rule! You made it possible! I love you!  
Thank you! Alright, where were we? Right. Let's go to the Kokiri Forest."  
  
"The only problem is we're lost."  
  
"So am I, but you know how to get back to your tents, right?"  
  
"Sure do", says Mario. "We've been spending most of our time there."  
  
"Great! Then getting out of the forest will not be a problem. You see, the place where you camped tonight, is   
kind of, uh... I don't know how to put it..."  
  
"Holy ground?" Link guesses.  
  
"Not exactly. My toilet."  
  
The three of them go: "Eww!"  
  
They leave the forest with the help of Koume. As they get out, they can feel the fresh air.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	5. Son Of A Witch

CHAPTER 5 - Son Of A Witch  
  
As they get back to society, Koume smiles. Link starts yelling:  
  
"My fellow citizens of Kokiri Forest! This is your hero speaking! We have brought to you the one and only:   
The Scared Witch of the Lost Woods! Please give it up for Koume, the Witch!"  
  
No one applauds her. Instead, they all run back into their tree houses and lock the doors.  
  
"What's the matter with you people? The Scared Witch is harmless and we can prove it!"  
  
Suddenly Saria comes running up the hill.  
  
"So, Link..." she starts. "You finally caught her. Looks like you proved me wrong about this one. But let's not  
forget the fact that Koume is a murderer."  
  
"Koume is not a murderer", Link says. "In fact, I don't think she did it at all."  
  
"We got all the necessary proof, so I think you're wrong this time. Listen..."  
  
"NO!" Koume suddenly yells. "You listen to me! I did not kill those kids on purpose! I'm sorry, but it was one of  
my stories that killed them! As a matter of fact, they were bored to death! I tried as hard as I could to save their  
lives, but I just couldn't! Could you have saved them if you were in the same situation?"  
  
"Uh... I guess not", says Saria.  
  
"But she's a witch so she must be burned anyway!"  
  
"NOOO! I am NOT gonna let that happen", Koume yells and starts shooting fireballs at people, burning houses  
to the ground and causing riots.   
  
"But I thought you were afraid of violence!?" Mario shouted.  
  
"Not anymore!" Koume responded. "Maybe it's true what they say about TV - it DOES turn you into a psycho!  
A nutcase! A lunatic! A maniac! A--"  
  
"You must stop it!" Zelda yelled. "Can't you see what you're doing? You're killing innocent people!"  
  
"Yeah, well *I* was innocent too, but people kept chasing me, didn't they?" Koume says and continues to throw  
fireballs at people. Soon enough she throws a fireball at Link's treehouse.  
  
"I've had enough of you, you crazy woman!" Link yells and pulls his Master Sword.  
  
"Tough guy, eh? Let's just see what this fireball can do to you!" Koume says, but before she manages to throw  
one at Link, he jumps at Koume and starts slashing her until she looks badly wounded.  
  
"No! Wait! Not the final blow! I have something to tell you!"  
  
"What is it", Link asks. "What could it possibly be?"  
  
"Link... *I* am your mother."  
  
"NOOOOOOO!" Link yells. "You're lying!"  
  
"I'm afraid not", Koume says. That's the last thing she ever says, before she gets the Master Sword in her belly.  
  
"It's over", Zelda says. "It's fin--"  
  
"NO! Don't say that!" Link shouts and puts his hand over Zelda's mouth. "Don't you remember what happened  
the last time you said that? Ganon got back and nearly killed me! Do you want that to happen again? I didn't  
think so! Now let's just bury this witch where no one can see her!"  
  
And so they bury her in Kakariko Graveyard. They sell the movie rights to Steven Spielberg and get very rich   
and all is well...  
Or is it?  
  
Back in the Lost Woods, we see the Lens of Truth still lying on the ground. Suddenly a shadow comes over it  
and a green hand gets down to pick it up. The camera rotates so that we see - another witch! Who looks just  
like Koume!  
  
"Hmm..." it starts. "This looks interesting. I should probably keep it a secret from my sister Koume. After all, she  
*IS* the good twin and I'm the evil one!"She laughs. "Ha! Ha! I am invincible!"  
  
Suddenly she looks down towards her crotch with her newfound Lens of Truth.  
  
"Holy smokes! I can see my underwear in this! Oh God, I need to change..."  
  
Back in Kakariko Graveyard, Link suddenly gets the feeling he lost something.  
  
"Hm. It sounds like I forgot something out there in the woods. What could it be?"  
  
"Your brain? Oh I forgot, you didn't bring it!" says Mario.  
  
"Damn it! Would you just shut up? Anyway... oh no! Dear Lord! I forgot my birthday gift! I wonder who has it  
now... Well, I'm glad Koume didn't get it. Imagine what would happen if an evil witch would lay her hands on it,  
my dearest... Yessssssss, the world would come to an end, my dearest...."  
  
THE END   
  



End file.
